hidayah mazelan
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coffee : change
December 1, 2016

Hello guys.

After a such long wait, exam finally ended with a relieved smile and free laughter. Though I am not capable of lying that a few days had been spent and I am now feeling homesick. Or should I call it school-sick instead? I had been spending the last few months mostly at school and suddenly have a long period of free time at home. At first, it was exciting. Like, yes! Finally, rehat that I need! But after a few days, it feels like there's something certainly missing.

The laughters, the borak kosong, the ohaiyo from one of my classmates, the callings from my friends whenever they need help and the endless nags from the teachers. I miss all of it right now. Betul kata orang, you don't know what you had until you lost it. And now, knowing that there's no turning back, I am somewhat scared. Of the unknown.

And somehow, it came back to the thoughts I tried to hide unconsciously. What do I want to do next? Now, that I finished my goal since childhood, what's next? Then it leads to another entirely emotion. Anxious. It is not a secret to me that I never really wore my heart on my sleeves but it doesn't mean I cannot feel it pumping through my veins and pushing my imaginary button.

I always believed that as long as we keep on trying, we are not really hopeless. But then, I feel like I am drowning. Somehow, I think I cannot escape from my own nonexistent sea. Maybe this is a temporary thing. I hope it is not permanent feeling. It is not fun feeling like you are drowning yet you cannot do anything about it.

I lost my files on the USB I used to save my fiction stories, self made lyrics, posters and poems. It got reset, I think. Maybe, it is my fate I guess. My fate to start clean, start all over again. It broke my heart to lose my babies out of sudden, but I guess I need to keep on moving. I need to.

I will be deleting a lot of past posts. It was immature past of mine that I want to get rid of, but I would not forget the memories. I hope for a better future, if not best.

Work hard, work hard and work harder.

Until then,


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