Greetings!

Today's topic can be kind of dark, so here is just a trigger warning.

Post ini tiada kaitan dengan insan di luar, baik yang sedang hidup ataupun yang telah meninggal dunia. Post ini hanyalah sekadar monolog hati dan benak fikiran yang kadang enggan melepaskan pergi tuannya.

Now that's clear,  let's get started.

Have you ever missed something you are not even sure if you had it? Like, it was never yours - at least you don't think it was - and now you cannot help but miss it, for absolutely no reason. You just do. Have you?

Life - for as far as I can remember - started with a loud cry inside a hospital. Growing up I had never really got attached to something or someone that easily. I learned that nothing is ever mine, I don't have the right to force it to stay in my life, nor do I have the right to make it comes to me when I want it too. Therefore, getting attached to something that I did not even think of as mine before, and missing it now, that sounds absurd and - for the lack of words - not possible.

But it did happen. And now I am missing it. I am missing her.
I am missing the old me.

Yes, I missed my old self. Quite a far-fetched thing to do. I have myself right here, right now. I should not be missing myself right? It's not like I've left myself, or she leaves me. Right?

Or maybe, she did. Because if otherwise, I would not sit here in front of my laptop, typing about how I miss her. I miss the old me who would get along with others without looking too much at them, trying to figure out if they are going to hurt or betray me in the future or not. I miss her who is unaware and clueless about how scary and cruel the world can turn out to be.

But here's the thing about missing her that hurts me the most - the fact that I sort of knew too much that it instills immense fear in me to the point I have no idea how to go further without being scared of what others may say or think about me - if they are going to turn their backs on me or not. Yet, even from the start, we all knew we could not depend on anyone more than ourselves.

Now that I am left alone again to deal with my fears and life without anyone to assure me everything's going to be alright, I can't help but miss the old me who is fearless.

The fact that we all change along with the ticks of time, to acknowledge that we have lost the 'us' that used to be so precious and pure from the stains of the world, it is painful. If I could ever turn back the time, then maybe...

Maybe I will just tell her to never change herself, never try to find out things more than necessary. Girl, don't try to dig deeper for information for those information might make you lose your belief in humanity. Don't observe others too much because you're going to notice them faking their kind nature. Don't change yourself just because you wanted to fit it.

Just stay being you. Do you. And talk for yourself.

And today, along with longing feeling that fills my heart full, and those questions of was she ever mine, I close this post.

Until next time,
Adios.

Labels: mindtalk