Assalamualaikum, and greetings.

I kind of miss this blog, hence why I am finally here again. Despite getting here, finally, after a while... I cannot seem to find a topic to talk about. So while browsing through multiple gameplays, downloading my lecture notes as I go around scrolling down my twitter, my brain shouted this word.

Easy.

I was stuck in another round of writer block, so bear with me as I am struggling to find the right words and a decent flow of thoughts.

It is easier said than done.

 When life gave us so much to handle, our ego tried to fight against it. "Oh, this is easy", and "Well, try me." came more often than not. Well, it is the case for me anyway. And sometimes, right after saying that to myself, I found myself struggling to get through the obstacles. Did I just jinx myself by letting my ego took over my own feelings therefore driving myself to the edge again?

Now, I am chuckling at myself, bitterly. Again, Jay? Really?

Dear my ego, please. You're saying things as if it was the way you said it were. Now, you're making me upset and mad at my own dumb self for underestimating the life's obstacles.

"Come storm and hurricane, I will still get through." said my ego practically every single time I find life testing my capability of staying sane.

 Those words would be helpful, if only I need it at that time. But the truth was, all I needed was a short break. I need time to set this thing through in my head. The planner in me is struggling to plan things smoothly, yet my ego found it fun to challenge the life itself.

I am trying to write this happily, but ended with me thumping my ten fingers on my keyboard in anger. What an irony, Jay.

I honestly need to calm myself down. I have a few chapters that I needed to get done before the end of this year, and being upset and mad like this is not going to help me finish the books. Now that I am mentioning writing and books, I started to question myself again.

Did I make the right decision taking the course that I am taking? My soul is over there, belongs to literature and art, yet I am here struggling with mathematics and physics.

Do whatever you like to do, rather than regretting in the future for not doing it.

It is truly easier said than done, huh? Because I could do that, absolutely. But the consequences that comes afterward? No, I don't think I can handle that. Not in this lifetime.

So maybe... Maybe, I just need to get through this one, just like how I did multiple times before. Right? Right.

Until next time.
Adios. 

Drafted on 19th October 2020.

Note: this was probably drafted when I was in a darker mind space. I am doing fine now, I finished my study successfully - still stuck with mathematics and physics though, because of work. But I am doing well. There are a lot of things that I now don't agree with my past-self. But that's just a sign of growth from me.

Labels: rants