Hidayah Mazelan

posted by Jay March 07, 2023 0 comments

Assalamualaikum, and greetings.

I kind of miss this blog, hence why I am finally here again. Despite getting here, finally, after a while... I cannot seem to find a topic to talk about. So while browsing through multiple gameplays, downloading my lecture notes as I go around scrolling down my twitter, my brain shouted this word.

Easy.

I was stuck in another round of writer block, so bear with me as I am struggling to find the right words and a decent flow of thoughts.

It is easier said than done.

When life gave us so much to handle, our ego tried to fight against it. "Oh, this is easy", and "Well, try me." came more often than not. Well, it is the case for me anyway. And sometimes, right after saying that to myself, I found myself struggling to get through the obstacles. Did I just jinx myself by letting my ego took over my own feelings therefore driving myself to the edge again?

Now, I am chuckling at myself, bitterly. Again, Jay? Really?

Dear my ego, please. You're saying things as if it was the way you said it were. Now, you're making me upset and mad at my own dumb self for underestimating the life's obstacles.

"Come storm and hurricane, I will still get through." said my ego practically every single time I find life testing my capability of staying sane.

Those words would be helpful, if only I need it at that time. But the truth was, all I needed was a short break. I need time to set this thing through in my head. The planner in me is struggling to plan things smoothly, yet my ego found it fun to challenge the life itself.

I am trying to write this happily, but ended with me thumping my ten fingers on my keyboard in anger. What an irony, Jay.

I honestly need to calm myself down. I have a few chapters that I needed to get done before the end of this year, and being upset and mad like this is not going to help me finish the books. Now that I am mentioning writing and books, I started to question myself again.

Did I make the right decision taking the course that I am taking? My soul is over there, belongs to literature and art, yet I am here struggling with mathematics and physics.

Do whatever you like to do, rather than regretting in the future for not doing it.

It is truly easier said than done, huh? Because I could do that, absolutely. But the consequences that comes afterward? No, I don't think I can handle that. Not in this lifetime.

So maybe... Maybe, I just need to get through this one, just like how I did multiple times before. Right? Right.

Until next time.
Adios.

Drafted on 19th October 2020.

Note: this was probably drafted when I was in a darker mind space. I am doing fine now, I finished my study successfully - still stuck with mathematics and physics though, because of work. But I am doing well. There are a lot of things that I now don't agree with my past-self. But that's just a sign of growth from me.

Labels: rants

rant : open and distance learning

posted by Jay July 07, 2020 0 comments

Greetings!
How are you guys doing?

Hari ni, nak membebel sikit la.

I've been putting this off for quite a while, but I decide to get it off my chest today. How many of you are going through online classes right now? Or have gone through the process? How was it? Was it good? Or were you left feeling frustrated over the fact that your teachers or lecturers expected you to be available at all times because you're always at home, but then your family thought you were free because of the same reason?

And who would be stuck in between whether to study or do the house chores? The students of course. Just because it's online, does not mean we are all free from other daily tasks and attend the class anytime anywhere. I might be driving to buy some groceries when the lecturer asks the students to submit a group list. I might be taking a nap after a full day of class when the last minute notice comes in to inform there will be a class in 30 minutes.

And no, just because I am using my laptop, or phone, or anything for that matter, means I am free. The class is there, the assignments are all there, the discussion happens in there too. I am not free at all times, and sometimes I feel people just cannot understand that.

It's not even working life, yet people are pushing me to the edge at all sides expecting me not to burst into anger. I am frustrated over the past few weeks because of this. Even if I am your employee, I am still a human being. Forcing me to be available 24 hours will only reduce my productivity. Search for some survey, and you will find a large number of studies proving so. Even if you cannot find any, ask any psychiatrist about it, they will tell you so. Stress plus exhaustion equals to lack of productivity and quality.

I have five assignments going on and have to be completed by the end of this month, along with tests, quizzes, and classes in between, yet my family thought it would be fun and dandy to demand my help around. As if it was only me there. Do you think I'd be refusing if I was free and doing nothing? No. I'd gladly help. But that is not the case, isn't it? Just like everyone else, I am busy too.

Just because we sit and spend our time in front of the screen means we are playing games or chatting around. Try to do my assignments, I bet your brain would explode after a few hours.

Now, I want to cool off and continue working on those assignments. Maybe get some rest afterward, because I haven't even eaten anything since this morning. Now, I am so free to not even eat right? Urgh.

Until next time.
Adios.

Labels: rants

rants : uni life

posted by Jay July 29, 2017 0 comments

Pernah rasa macam helpless? Macam hidup kau dalam pusingan tanpa penghujung?
Jatuh, bangkit, cuba lagi. Ulang.

Sampai satu tahap kau rasa nak hentikan semua. Berhenti. Hentikan masa, hentikan kerja, kau hanya mahu rehat. Seminit dua pun tak mengapa.

Aku tak pasti apa yang aku rasa, tapi aku tahu aku penat. Sebulan tanpa henti, hidup bagai manusia tiada emosi. Bangun, pergi kelas, lunch, sambung kelas, dinner, study. Repeat. Kadang hati ingin teriak, nak menangis pun ada. Tapi ego aku ni kalah gunung, menangis tak mahu. Call emak sendiri pun tak sanggup. Takut weh, takut. Takut ayat yang aku ingin luah dari awal bulan terluah bila bercakap dengan beliau.

"Aku nak stop."

The moment kau rasa nak give up is the moment you actually gave up, pada aku. Sebab dari saat tu kau dah mula berhenti cuba, berhenti lawan. Otak aku kata jangan, tapi hati aku menjerit. Ada yang mengata, katanya aku tak seteruk dia. Hidup aku tak sesesak dia, jadual aku tak sepadat dia. No, kau tak faham apa aku lalui kat sini. Kau tak faham, tak cuba faham, dan takkan faham.

Siapa kau untuk judge hidup aku? Apa guna kalau ada gap antara kelas kalau assignment group aku buat seorang diri, yang lain sama ada tak ambil tahu langsung atau sekadar judge jawapan aku walaupun dia sebenarnya tak buat langsung? Apa guna gap banyak kalau aku seorang yang buat kerja yang sepatutnya tiga orang kerjasama buat? Apa guna kalau kerja group takkan bergerak unless aku yang siapkan?

No, kau tak faham weh. Kau tak pernah faham. Berhenti berlagak kau faham. Just, stop. Budak kat sini memang pandai, tengok result SPM fuh kalah aku. Tapi perangai, the girls' attitudes are mostly sampah. Tiada tanggungjawab, tiada commitment. Aku tak tahu course lain, kelas lain, tapi itu yang jadi pada course engineering kelas aku. Budak perempuan tiada commitment kalah budak lelaki. Cakap, plan memang serahkan pada dia la, tapi nak buat... Tunggu pisang masak dulu la baru jalan. Tunggu aku meletup dulu baru nak sedar agaknya.

Bagi aku, the moment you stepped into this university, kau kena tahu kau ada dekat sini for one thing. Nak graduate, tapi dengan usaha kau. Bukan harapkan orang lain buat semua kerja dan kau telan pointer.

Minggu ni result assignment Chemistry keluar, assignment di mana pada awalnya kami plan nak bincang dan buat sama-sama tapi menjelang Sabtu sebelum deadline(hari Isnin) masing-masing inform busy. Akhirnya, plan untuk buat sendiri-sendiri, nanti comparekan jawapan. Menjelang malam sebelum deadline, aku turun. Discussion la kononnya, janji pukul 9 malam, 9.20 malam baru nampak batang hidung seorang. Yang lagi seorang katanya masih di Seremban. Gila, aku dah merengus dalam hati malam tu. Tapi aku biarkan, dia janji nak send jawapan through whatsapp.

Tunggu punya tunggu, sampai ke hari ini jawapan hanya untuk 2 soalan yang aku dapat. Yes, sampai hari ni, result dah keluar pun. Malam tu, bukan aku sahaja yang nak mengamuk, housemate aku yang memerhati diam dari meja sebelah dah membuat muka benci. Group yang consists of 3 people, seorang di Seremban jawapan hanya dua soalan dihantar, seorang lagi buat 2 soalan yang sama yang lain dia conteng pada kertas soalan saja.

Mana janji nak buat dulu dan compare?!

Aku yang buat semua. Hanya aku. Student universiti ke kalau perangai sebegini rupa? Betul, mereka buat dua soalan depan, tapi seorang jawapan mengarut, seorang lagi kira tak cukup titik perpuluhan. Akhirnya jawapan aku yang disalin seratus peratus. Malam tu housemate aku mengamuk dalam dorm, katanya aku bagi muka sangat.

Tahu apa yang sakit hati? Bila result group aku paling tinggi dalam kelas, seorang pun tak berterima kasih. Tahu tak kau boleh dapat maximum 10 markah je kalau based on berapa soalan kau buat malam tu? Seorang minta maaf bila aku perli, sampai harini aku tunggu jawapan 'muka surat belakang', tapi dalam keadaan main-main. Seorang lagi? Ego menggunung kalah aku, terima kasih pun tidak, minta maaf pun tidak.

So, senang ke hidup aku kat sini? No.

Labels: rants

rants : work hard

posted by Jay December 06, 2016 0 comments

What defines hard work? How do you know who works hard?

What kind of level does your 'hard work' term is on to the point you can say these people deserve awards for their hard work and other people don't? I keep on wondering, what really defines 'work hard' to you?

Society teaches us to work hard for our own success, our peak of life. Mostly, what they meant by work hard is getting a good enough result in our exams and pursuing our study in universities or colleges, get a job and get married. But then, when there is someone that walks on entirely different path from what they call 'path to success', they call him stupid. Unworthy.

Unworthy. Define that word for me, please. What are them to talk about others' worth? Now, tell me. Do you thing you are worthy?

"Are you ranting now because of a kpop group?"

To be very honest with you, I am not talking about a kpop group. Sure, they are the reason why I start to wonder on these things, but they are just that in this topic. A trigger.

"Judging me through my music taste, how pathetic." is what I wanted to say so bad numerous times already.

Now, looking back. There are a lot of people who were surprised when they found out I am into Korean idols. Why? Because I never seemed to enjoy music with all the studies and school activities I took part in. They thought I did not need to work hard for exams as I seemed like I didn't enjoy doing anything else on my free time(I did mentioned I didn't watch television much at home). Which leads me into the first question of this entry. What defines hark work? How do we know which person works hard and which doesn't?

To know society put us into labels and categories made me feel sick. How sick can society be? Is it wrong to take a different path, an individual way even if the end will be the same still? Is there a real need to put someone's worth when we don't even know him for real?

I hate people who judge so much that I block them off my life. But then when it's only you who stay unblocked, what can else you do except thinking? Overthinking kills, sure. But do we really have an option when it's only us who understand our point of view?

Labels: rants

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