How brave are we? How brave are we really?
These questions had sometimes found its way into my mind - somehow took a liking of it so much that it chose to stay and reside there for another countless number of nights - keeping me up in the dark as I pondered on the same repetitive questions again and again. I am not sure whether having these questions could be considered as bravery itself, but are we really?
I can still remember it like it was just yesterday where I freaked out over the fact that my family was going to move away from our quiet, yet friendly and warm village, to a colder and mean city. I can still remember my innocent and naïve self feeling so excited to finally have a nice house, but also so sad to leave my nice acquired friends I practically grew up with. To leave behind these people who actually appreciated my existence in their life and had no other intention except good ones for me.
I found the city was even colder than I initially thought. My worry about the city was proven right when my innocence and naivety were stripped off from me as the harsh reality of its coldness swallowed me whole. People there were not as nice as the people I knew from the village.
It was as if the carbon monoxide released by various types of vehicles had finally infected these people with a disease that turned them into a being with no humanity and empathy towards others. As if these toxic gases in the city's air had finally filled them whole, they replaced whatever the basic human's values and traits they had into these selfish beings that only cared on their benefits.
I wonder if that first experience of the city life had desensitized me so much that now, I do not question the cruelty these people display as much I did in the past. How that deep and sharp scowl that appeared every time I noticed the bad side of the city now had turned into the disbelieved expression instead. I wonder how desensitized I actually am, now that I spent more than half of my life in the city - even willingly moved to a bigger city for work.
I still spread good though. I somehow managed to do good every week, randomly. Is that just my immunity protecting me from this disease that the cities seem to be having? Did I somehow take a vaccine that protects me from this weird decades-long outbreak that no one seemed to notice?
I do admit though, that I thought I had that bravery. Well, at least a little drop of it.
Because for me to survive three different cities yet still be able to keep my own identity and beliefs, really needs that little bit of bravery. Being different from the rest is seen as an absurdity. You either get condemned for it, or simply mistreated and outcasted for being different.
Being put in that position with such risks, that requires bravery. At least, that was the case for me.
So, are we brave? I guess, we are. That is, if you are still surviving this life.
Labels: thoughts
My doubts appear a lot during classes, in between classes, heck even during my free time. Why can't I just believe myself?
Believe.
Expectations are what people believe in you. It is both good and bad. It is motivating yet a burden. A source of headache yet it is what keeps us going. What's pushing us forward.
It is said that expectations are the source of headache.
I have an exam in a month. Should be on a hiatus now, but no, I need to keep myself sane.
Until then, adios.
Labels: thoughts
Helping people around so far has been--for the lack of words--fun. It's satisfying to see that we are still useful despite many bumps in the road, we are still needed on this surface of Earth. Some call these thoughts suicidal, I call it motivational. Because really, who we are to judge others' way of thinking? Maybe they survived like that, so long as it's not dangerous or wrong, I can't seem to argue about that.
Opinions.
These are important, of course. Sometimes we need variety of opinions to compared with each other and find the best option. Except, the chosen opinion isn't fact. It never is. I am not here to blame you for having your opinion which isn't picked as the best one but nor do I want to complain how your opinion should be the one chosen instead.
Freedom. We all have that, what most call, freedom of speech. Yeah, we all have that. And here I am using that, because my opinions are just that. Opinions, nothing else. Whether to accept it or not, it is for individual to decide. Because, no one has the right to force his opinions on others.
Sometimes we need time alone just to think carefully over our options, just to make sure we won't turn back around in the future with regret fills our heart. For those who I've hurt both consciously and unconsciously, I apologize.
It came to me one day, completely refreshed my mind that no, there's no use of giving up. I would gain nothing by giving up. So now, why wouldn't we get up and move on. Apologize for past mistakes and walk straight ahead. There's no use in dwelling over the past. At least we have improvements, right?
Labels: thoughts
